I did 5 loads of laundry, cooked beans, made two bread pans of shepards pies, sweeped the kitchen, living room and dining room. now if only i had put away the 5 loads of laundry instead dumping them on my bed... but i was busy doing other things.  i actually have two loads in the drier right now and a load in the wash and two on my bed.  and one more dirty load that needs to go in.. of course i need to drop some stuff off at bel's and i dont want to leave my clothes in there since wes needs the washer also.  i'm just proud of myself for being so productive today :D

... i forgot my journal at home... i'm in napa.. .DOH!

So i've started to journal again.  Not LJ but actually paper and pen journaling.  This is something that has really fallen by the wayside.  It really helps me to get my thoughts on paper.  I rarely actually go back and read them.  But it is good to have.  I had journaled on here for a while... i think it was around 3 yrs ago and that was the last time.   It really helps me organize my thoughts and realize things.  Things that i have been holding in or that i've been sticking my head in the sand.  It gives me a chance to analize what i'm feeling and why i'm feeling it. 

this is a good thing..

I just dont understand how prop 8 could pass in CA... i just really really dont

i just had the fastest dream ever about getting my hair pulled.. but i was in bed.. in possisition on exactly how i was sleeping only i was moving around as if i had a lover w/ me ... and i was doing things as if i had a lover w/ me.. like rubing my legs.. and i was th inking yes pull it pull it.. then i realized that my hair was being pulled only i was alone in my bed.. and i woke up... i was in the same exact position i was in my dream.. and my head feels kinda tingly... :-/  i'm kinda unnerved by this..

I made a realization today and it makes me sad.  :( Im sitting here pondering how we grew so far apart.  How we could see the world so very differently.  I dont get it.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about life, love, future, and where i want to be and how i get there.  I rather feel like I have arrows pointed all over the place and not sure which one i should follow. 

I have felt like a complete slacker recently. I haven't studied herbals recently... i just haven't done much of anything.  

I'm ready for october to be over. :-/

:D i love the halloween theme for undeadjournal :DD

Tomorrow's coming 'round like a hair-pin curve in the road
She's got a run in her stocking and she's missing the heel of her shoe
Got up this morning rolled out of bed
I spilled a Diet Coke
Called my mother
Said, "Hi." What I meant to say was:
"Why is your life a joke?"
Then I went down to that ugly bar and
I clicked my heels three times just like you said
And I climbed that road to your empty house
The anticipation was a turn-on...but you let me down
'Cause I stood on that empty street alone
I said, "I'm ready for my close-up now, Mr. Demille."
I waited for the light but it never shone
Well I wonder what you do with that expensive piece of land
That overlooks a billion years of history (I have a sneaking suspicion)
You will never understand
Hey maybe I'll see you down by the Rocky & Bullwinkle
And we can talk to that charlatan psychic
And she can paint a prettier picture of your future.

'Cause that day in my life...
That day in my life...
I dreamt tomorrow had a prettier face
I dreamt tomorrow would have better things to say
Than, "You look like shit, what's your problem, bitch?
You're legs feel like sandpaper, you can't do anything right."
'Cause that day never should have taken place
'Cause this day in my life still cannot explain
Why I listened in the first place
to you

Oh yeah, something else...

I hope one day you call up your father
And you have the guts to tell him how he hurt you
And he made you hurt another
'Cause it makes me sad.

Sinfest

Yesterday i was so out of it and tired.  All day.  I even went home and took a nap at lunch and it didn't help at all.  So i ended up falling asleep at 9 :D it was fabulous. i know i have dreamed the past couple nights however they seem to  be flitting away as soon as i wake up. 

i've now gone two days in a row in the AM to do weights (lower body yesterday, upper body today.  Will do cardio tomorrow since i am def. not coming in on friday since it is my day off.  I'm sleeping in.  :) and i dont want to do full body since i just did upper today)

So my first bloody violent dream for a while. 

It was about two parapalegics wiedling knives and wearing point ballet heels.  you know the 8 in heel pointer toe ones.  they didn't have arms, they had legs but they were stunted legs.. so really they were only the torso w/ feet almost.  and i'm not sure how they managed to weild the knives.  I didn't actually see the killing... literally they went behind a hospital bed where i couldn't see.. all i could see was the squirting of blood everywhere.  getting over all of the white sheets and such.

My dreams are coming back.  Last night I was having what started out to be a nice dream.  I was at my grandfathers old place in Oakhurst and we were basically hanging out.  at one point i was in the garage/large room that fits lots of beds and someone came to the door to use the outside restroom.  so i showed them where it was and there was massive rock formations of citron. i was admiring this and talking about them with the passerbyers (which was interesting to have in the first place considering how much in the country my grandfather lived and the massive drive way he had but anywho..) my grandfather had come out and was talking w/ us along w/ my uncle and some others.  in the middle of the conversation my grandfather collapsed.  I think from a heart attack.  He had gotten rushed to the hospital (which was UCD for some reason) i dont remember much of the dream after that because all i was doing was sobbing.  hugely sobbing.  i couldn't stop.  it felt like my heart was being torn out.  people kept trying to get me to do stuff but i couldn't.  all i could do was cry.  it was horrible.  and of course this was the kind of dream where if i woke up for a few mins then dropped back to sleep i would drop right back into the horribliness of this dream.  i would almost want apocolyptic dreams or violent dreams because i have them wake up disturbed but they are much easier for me to process and get over than this kind.  This one will stay with me i'm afraid for most of the day :(  Giving me a heavy heart.  :(

A terrible thought has moved into my mind
Like an unwanted room-mate drunk on wine
It feeds on my happiness won't pay the rent
I must take proper measures to evict it

A terrible thought has moved into my mind
A giant rat that's nibbling on my pride
It's tearing away my patience and my wit
I must take proper measures set a trap for it

What a terrible thought

I don't care what you've done
I don't care who you've won
I know in the end you'll have your fun

But you can't have it hear
And I won't let you steer
You know I don't want you in my mind

I must stay calm you know and I must be clear
It's gonna take a hundred thoughts to make this one disappear
A train like that could travel a soul for years
A terrible thought could have a terribly long career

What minds have you shredded
I bet they regretted
Having ever thought you up
Just look at you shine
Commiting your crimes
You know I don't want you in my mind

'Cause you're breaking my stride
You poisonous vine
You're strangling me inside
You're breaking my stride
You poisonous vine
You're strangling me inside
You're breaking my stride

What a terrible thought...

Last night was horrible.  After two nights of awesome sleep my body decided that it had enough.  I ended up going to sleep at 10 which wouldn't be bad except i woke up at 12:30, 3:15, 4:44, and then my alarm went off at 5:10 to get up to play racketball.  Once again i've done w/ out sleep often enough.  hell last time i played racket ball i only had two hours of sleep but the dreams i had this time around were not good ones.  i dont actually remember them but they left me with an over all feeling of being alone, sad, depressed, and just down right crummy.  

*sigh*

I need a hug. :(

So i have been debating on if i want to actually record my dream i just between 8 and 8:44 this mornig. And i think i do want to.

This dram i was switching between watching it and being this man in it.  always the same man.   The two main people was this white guy John Philip Smith.  JPS, and Iwaka.  it took place in another country.  Not sure which one.  africa possibly.  one that i haven't been to that sfor sure.  it was dry hot nd was an aggie place.  there was rows upon rows of fields.  anyway...

it kinda started with john running away with his son.  he was trying to get away from this one town.  i dont remember the reason why.  just he rushed feeling of needing to flee.  it wasn't the law after him but this one man.  (not iwaka) altho iwaka was not a friend.  there was def. hostility between the two.  anyway.  as JPS was running . it was actually what seemed like he was running through a market place.  he was ignoring all the shouts for him to stop to come into peoples booths.  he was had a spell of protection against people tying to get him to stop and eat w/ them. there was a feeling of if he stopped he would die.  he was carrying his boy on his hip.  the boy was probably 3 or 4.  then he was almost out of town when iwaka called to him.  he called to him w/ a strong compultion to come back.  eat w/ him.  i threw my hand back and screamed NO! with the protection from the compultion radiating from my hand.  it worked briefly until he just screamed out STOP! and i had to stop and go back.  so i did
 
i had gone into his tent.

He had put down food infront of me.  it was all vegitarian and it all looked amazing.  he sat infront of meand told me to eat.  I told him no thanks that we had just eatten dinner and were completely stuffed... he just looked us in the eyes and laughed.  and brought out another dish then left us.  there were plates of fake meat and i had decided to try it and i knew my boy was hungry so i cut off a piece, cooled it off for my son and gave it to him.  we ate bites from each dish before he had come back.  By the time he came back.  it was too late for me to move on.  the people persuing me were on their way.  iwaka made a quick deal w/ him. he drew a line of protection that extended from one point near the entrence to the back of his tent (created in the dirt floor).  i shuffled it out and put on on the entrance flap.  once it was there we buckled down. i dont know what was said or what had happened at that point.  but the pursue was over.  they had gone home.  and i stayed in iwaka's tent.

i talked to iwaka about the land, the people, the life here.  i dont know exactly what change had come over me but something had. I no longer wanted to run.  i wanted to help.  however i couldn't leave the tent.  the next morning iwaka went out early to harvest.  i stayed in the protection circle.  i watched the process.  i watched the hard work and that went into it.  later that day/night there was a fire.  i remember a man running across the fields and tryed to put it out.  we tryed to run the sprinklers (which one had water the other had.. katcup!) we ran them both.  but nothing helped.  nothing even was able to slow it down.  the fire was unnatural and just kept burning till all the crops were gone. 

iwaka silently came in and went to bed.  didn't say anything didn't even look at me.  all the other men that were out in the fields went to their own tents with their heads hung very low.  i went to the door and stared at it.  meditated on it.  i saw the night.  i wanted to see the day.  At the first crests of sun rise i left the protection of the tent and stood at the foot of the feilds.  i saw one blade of wheat that was chard but still mostly there.  I looked at it.. i grounded myself.  i felt the earth pulse under me.  I closed my eyes and saw the fields as they are now.. with the blackened chard remains.  then i cleared it out.  the earth pulsed in my vision brought all the dead burt plant bits back into the earth.  i put my hands into the earth right out side the lines of the field.  and throw energy into the earth to sprout the plants.  to have them grow.  to bring them back to former glory.  i saw them strt as little sprouts and shoot up, bloom, fruit. 

when i opened my eyes what i saw was feilds of fresh plants.  no sign of the fire the night before.  no sign of anything wrong.

I whooped and jumped.  i ran back to the tent to grab iwaka. he was rightfully depressed and it was hard to get him offf his matt.  however when i was able to and brought him to the fields he was amazed. ..

The problem was that i had stepped out of the protection area.  they were coming for me.  but it was alright.  i knew they were and i was fine with it.  the workers tried to help me.  but all that happened was that i went into the tent and the people coming for me got covered in katchup :D 

it skips to the next day where they buried me.  i was dead.  my dream didn't show how i died or what killed me just that i was dead.  but it was a peaceful feeling.  it was sad.  and there were two speakers who spoke about me.  i dont remember what they said but just that it was heart felt and emotional.  then they threw dirt onto the coffin.  along w/ some dried plants from the fields that i had saved. 

there was an underlining feeling that the men that had come for me were the ones that started the fire.  they were trying to blame me for it but it didn't work because there was no trace of the fire.  so when they had come to accuse me it had fallen short.  i think this is how i knew they started the unnatural fires.

So had a post apocalyptic dream last night.  It was two parts. the first part was right after the fall.. how ever it happened i'm not at all sure.  But there were riots, fires, people rounding other people up...  we had to run.  christy found a roll of cotswold (mm cheese) but there was mostly rotting food everywhere.  it was just awful.  we had to run and hide from people rounding other people up to put them in work camps or maybe just prison camps.  there was only one part of the dream about the camps and i dont remember what exactly they were for.  the one part of the dream w/ the camps was i was at the camps.  and they were washing us.  we were naked in the open.  it was cold outside.  not snow but close.  they were hosing us off and it was pulling water from this lake which had something it it that it felt like it was making your skin crawl  off if you had it.  and people kinda stayed clear  of you as if you were contagious (which you probably were w/ something.) i had escaped this place by running after  being hosed.  there was a gab in the fence.  i took it and ran.  and ran and ran.  there was a shop.  it was indian silk or possibly african silk.  all i know was that there were rows upon rows of silk clothing bits. there was one row, the second to the right  in the long line.  that was actually a tunnel passage way into what seemed like a different world.  possibly it was a different world.  but it was jungle like.  i remember running and feeling the silk turn to dirt and stone.  then the feeling of safety as though the people chasing me couldn't follow.  there were wild large cats everywhere, panthers,  leopards, jaguars.  and people were everywhere.  but they were living in harmony which was such a vast contrast to the outside world.

This dream wasn't  nearly as vivad as ones i've had in the past

What is known, What is Unknown, What is to be

the magician, six of cups, temperence

A reading on a crush

eta:
I did a clearity reading and it was

the devil, two of cups, knight of cups

It is funny i understood the second pretty well.. and then i went and researched the actual meanings and the observations of experenced tarot readers and pretty much they a line pretty well.

Merp